Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
