He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
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I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
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I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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