So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
