I wish I could teleport
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
