I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize