My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
