I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
