It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
