Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
