she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
