How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
wakey wakey hands off snakey
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
