I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
