I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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