I think my vagina is haunted
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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