I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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