i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Randomize
