just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
