Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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