I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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