god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
