Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
