My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
