You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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