Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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