Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
