Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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