she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
