You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
