went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
