Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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