bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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