i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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