So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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