theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
