The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
