OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
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it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
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Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.