Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
