i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
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and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
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Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.