and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.