He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
