He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
