He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
