2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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