so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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