If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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