I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Randomize
