I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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