so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
