I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
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Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
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