I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize