TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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