And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
