He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
