So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
no you cant smoke seaweed
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
