chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
